back then, now, and the dream

by Areli C., 14

My thoughts are crowded
Mom and Dad say I can’t focus on one thing
And I’ll admit I don’t know how to react to it
I’m not sure if that’s something bad or something to my advantage
And see I’ll forget about it but later tonight
I’ll be swallowing my tears
Just like how I swallow the image I see in the mirror
My last thought, or her last thought I should say
She tells me “Consume and you’ll be rotten. Let everything rot and you’ll stay”
I try to let go of myself, try to break free
So I could run free and fly in the air
Fly in the air with the bubbles I blew when I was a child
She tells me “things were easy then honey,” as she strokes her long fingers through my thinning hair
and brushes them against my cold skin

Time goes by and all of a sudden I’m letting the ocean whisper in my ear
taking me far, further than you could imagine
The ocean became my love after you burned me down
I gave you so much
I was open to you, that was a reward, hiding behind my shadow I told you
My flaws don’t hide just like I do
They come out and let the world know they are
They become rebellious more than I could ever be
I fear them
They feed off my fear and they learn how to twist and turn my head
They control my heart to speed fast and move quicker than a fly could possibly move
It all starts with a tingle throughout my body and my legs begin to shake
And my heart starts to ache and my brain becomes her

My heart loves the night more than it could ever love you
It shimmers, it has a gloss, a romance no one could ever have
She loves it for what it means inside of her for what now the stars have become
A distraction from my brittle breaking nails that peel like a banana

I lie in my bed feeling a numbness running down my body
Like the first splash of water set onto newborn skin
L.A. summer nights are in my dreams
My soul is there, eventually one day so will my body be
She tells me it’s not enough to reach and walk across the runway of the country to get to the city of angels

And no one seems to notice, or maybe I’ve pushed everyone so far away that people don’t bother
And see I’ll down talk myself, telling myself this and that, but I’ll uplift everyone else
Sooner or later my late-night thoughts start to dwindle into the air
while my heart beats to Lana’s voice
I’ll stare the life out of the ceiling as my eyes start to shut slowly
And I’ll try so hard to not fall into my sleep
I’ll then start to laugh
I love the laughter that the night takes away from me
Endless it’ll be, so I thought.

Red Bank, New Jersey